i dont really update this as much i want. i dont know why.

Date:	2005-04-14 13:01
Subject:	ngek.
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved

nisuwat ko. ako si tsak. hehe.. kaning say, di man ta ni mao ako i-wallpaper sa imo account..dayn.. hurot na akong oras sa pagakakaron.. kuan diay ning picture.. usa ni ka fire escape. murag lawm sad akong sabot ani.. basta fire escape ang hisgotan, manlimbawt akong balahibo.. kay murag last resort.. last chance.. kung masayop, tiklop na. hehe. aw naunsa man ko oi.. ilisan ra nya ko ni.. kani sad diay akong gipili kay di man maklaro ang font gud sa ubang color.. pero.. igbalik nako.. pramis.. kbaw na ko unsay buhaton.
cge.

tsak signing off.

kibaw bamo, nga gaiyak ko gikan?? hehehehe
dugaaaaayyy nasad kaayo ko kadumdum last ko
niiyak, lapas na bulan, two months + man tingali..
ug ky nganong gaIYAK manka winsay,you might
ask?? ehe

myrag naa man gani nibasa ani ako gisuwat karon
>:p pero im gunna mumble as usual, just to prove
that i can ;)

grace. grasha. gihatod ko ni thaya aka pedro,
gihuwat ko niya, washa niuli ky iya kong
gikuyugan until mu abli ang gate sa ilang chris
para makasulod ko. kay matud pa niya, di daw
sha muoli unless mahatod nako niya kay di sha
ganahan nga ig abot nako didto, lock pa, nya
magtanga radaw ko.. bisan naa koy libro gida & im
always alright whether im w/ anyone or not. but he
CHOSE to sit beside me. where the rest of the
world would initially be pissed for the lack of
planning i was guilty for & him at that moment
been shoved w/ this responsibility of being
obligated to taking care of 'what happens to
winsse',

siya,

kay wala ni reklamo,

and until 6am gakuyug mi, ug murag buang & like
usual gapulihanay mig hatdananay sa usag usa..
gihatod ko niya sa gate to chek if open naba jud,
nya ky abli naman jud, nihatod napud ko niyag
balik taman sa gawas sa entrance sa village &
giparahag jeep sa PUJ stop.

and i walked back to the gate into the door of the
house up the seemingly longest step of stairs &
into my haven of a bedroom. i had the urge to want
to text him about how beautiful i saw him&me were
becoming, and how healthy our relationship was,
how happy i was to be w/ him to be able to tell him
how much i loved him & how fortunate i was that
he loved me back.. that he GENUINELY loved me
back as i do him. but i wanted to wait until he got
home so he would be able to reply.. i waited but
instead involuntarily found myself shutting down
like a personal computer.
and when i woke up, i had four new messages.
& there they were, his words, his fingers having
punched those littlest keypads on that personal
ephemeral technological device of his, his thoughts
transformed into words, translated & thought of
carefully, given every ounce of an effort to reach
out so i would know how valuable i was..
the effort.
it was transparent. he loves me. and i just burst
into tears, uncontrollable crying. i wasnt smiling, i
wasnt even laughing when i cried.. i cried just like
every other person who cries. except that i was
baffled why i felt what i felt.. befuddled, bewildered
and disoriented. i couldnt understand WHY I WAS
CRYING. it felt illogical to me, yet i kept on. i
could hardly catch my own breath i was practically
wailing. so i told myself, AM I SAD? is this why im
crying?! and that just killed the emotion. in an
instant, it ceased, as quick as it came. but when i
entertained thoughts about HIM, there it was
again. i cried, and i cried my hardest this morning..
because it finally dawned on me that this isnt
sadness, this is my entire being quivering to the
idea of unworthiness. of absolute awe. i was
humbled. from how i was brought up, how every
single hug & kiss my mother and father gave me
since i couldnt even remember when, how i was
given enough freedom to choose for myself, how
my little brother came into my life and stayed in
my life, laarni, harold, cheryl, lamar, kathryn, shaq,
and so many others who have affected me, how
much i was trusted and loved and listened to and
graced by this phenomenon called life, the reality
of death, and thaya.. i wasnt worthy.

mao ni iyak ko. and i guess he triggered it, he was
the key,

despite the overwhelming rush of an emotion,
i want to state it here & now that i choose to
accept the responsibility of possibly disappointing
these same exact people in return, that i choose
not just to sit&cry about this, because there will be
tougher boulders to face in the future. and i will
continue to at least prove to match the grace that
has been given to me, to justify its existence and
work to keep it,

i love you God. help the others see how beautiful
they really are, because its real.

Date:	2005-04-08 19:09
Subject:	kapuy
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	pamalikas sa mga bata

kapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuyanangmagsabotngamagkitanyadidiaytunghaonperopagtunghawalanagpahibawngamutunghadiaynyaakosadniabotnasaasashakapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuykapuy

kapuy.

pero happy raman tingali ko.

/=.

aylabyudro.

my legs are sore. my eyes are too. or maybe not. or maybe so. or maybe.

i will miss dipolog. i will miss the concept of an entire week passing by me just by sleeping through it. i slept through an entire week doing nothing. wow. and i feel so rejuvenated. and loved and certain that i would be missed.
is it bad to assume? we owe it to the ones who feel what they do to assume what they would say they would feel for us to trust them enough that it is real. or yet again maybe not.

my legs are complaining. do they need sleep? do our body parts ever sleep? or is it only our eyes? what happens when we sleep? what is the difference with just sitting down and doing nothing but our eyes stay open? what is the difference? what is it with us being in our unconscious state of mind, running away in our dreams floating away from reality that makes us feel more revived compared to having our minds, through our eyes looking at what are real and are existing here and now while the rest of the body does nothing?

unsay naa sa matulog? kumpara ug galingkod lang pero gamata?

shit. this is like an egg going bad. you know it stinks but you throw it against a brick wall. somewhere you know the smell would still get to you. hehehe i will spare you and end this here and now

;0

Date:	2005-03-25 04:22
Subject:	BITE ME. i promise, i wont kill you.
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted
Music:	the loudest humming of my brothers rooms airconditioning

it is four twenty dawn march twenty five two thousand and five and i am twenty two years and two hundred and nineteen days old,

and counting,

time moves quick. and deliberately subtle. time moves when we least expect her to, when we think were using periods to end our sentences we dont notice we pushed the commas and they go on and on and on.. and it never ends. and i still have no clue where these collaboration of sentences will get me today. a single sentence.
hello.

hi. my name is winsse. yes, all of you are well aware of that already. all of me is very much getting onto her last nerve hearing you say that over and over again. we know. i know. im apologizing. am i? apologizing? or did i just admit i was going to but only ended up saying so yet not actually pushing through the act of saying sorry? i didnt didnt i? didnt? i? i. forgot. im human. now, IM SORRY.
yes. now that weve settled that part of the guilty corner of my brain, let us move on to other thoughts.
like how sleepy i am and how uncooperative my eyes suddenly are towards what were so used to calling this unpowerful power over circumstance named WILL. ugh! and i give in. hehehehehehe i hate you winsse. no you dont. haha, right. i dont. its because i love you that were going to sleep isnt it?
yes?

yes.

bah!

Date:	2005-03-14 06:35
Subject:	ameizing grace.
Security:	Public
Mood:	surprised
Music:	music in my head

wow. he did wonders for me today. he just never fail to surprise me every single day!

wOw.

what did i do? to deserve to be this happy? should i panic? should i overtake this emotion of being so overwhelmed from feeling this much gratitude in my heart and prepare a safety net as soon as now and think about saving myself in case anything bad happens? should i expect that something bad WILL happen soon enough? anticipate it? enough to catch up with it and eventually become that disappointment were all expecting would inevitably happen to us when everything is actually supposedly good..
i know that i know nothing. i know that. i love him, and that in itself is a leap of faith. but to keep it as real as possible, to reassure ourselves and our better halves that what were going through isnt a fantasy, this is actually really happening? is to communicate. no mind games. no reverse psychologies. no mindfucking. but crystal clear brutal honesty and our 'best-edited-yet-unstrained-thoughts' exchange.
i hated what you did to me today. it hurt. i dont want you to do it again. please dont do it again? i noticed you held my hand this afternoon, i saw your effort. and im grateful. thank you. for loving me. i love you equally as great. why didnt you go the place we talked about wed meet? please, call me on my fone if you think you cant make it. next time. i forgive you. i let you go. i miss you. i need you too. i. me. you. us. yes. no. choices. rejection. refusals. maybe. will. please. thank you. apologies. acceptance. love.

yes love.

most definitely love.
work. work work work.. for it to work. we must work. to admit we love, we must work for it. and i will continue to work. even if it means doing nothing but leaving you alone to do your thing on some days,
doing nothing and the same exact absolute everything,

trust.
thank you rian he. for trusting me that what this is i am committing to you is real love. and i do love you.

goodluck to the both of us :)

Date:	2005-03-12 05:17
Subject:	their wedding day.
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable
Music:	silence

what is it that happens to a person who trusts too much? where are these questions flooding from? why now? if not now, when?

if not now,

when?

good question. ok. so lets assume now. do i have any other choice anyway? ill obviously eventually forget about this train of thought if i dont try and capture this idea here and now.. so yes, NO, i have no other choice if i choose to pickle these thoughts the best possible way. i just wish i had a portable mini digital recorder i could just click and store all these thoughts in. a ventilation shaft. but then again, of course i love typing! its my calling. ehehehe

\/m peace!

hmmm.. what about the trusty person? i am one. i trust. i believe. i easily get carried away with believing what someone is confronting me with. their versions of the truth. i trust and you ask why? i trust and you question why i would choose to overlook something that someone has done so painfully damaging to his life and other peoples lives yet still believe that they are separate from their sins? as if they didnt do what they transparently just did.

is it pride? could it possibly BE pride? ehehehe maybe it is. people tell me 'sephai' is a bitch,
but i got to email her and asked her myself if she was one. she told me she wasnt.. and i believed her, because she confronted me with it. and of course 'i' wouldnt dare reply to my questions and lie to winsse?! who would dare do that! \=j pffft!
'i' spoke to her myself through emails and she re-assured 'me' she meant No HARM.. and 'i' believed her.. and because, 'i believed her'? if anybody says otherwise? they would all be wrong. and they are wrong!
in my world, these are nothing but closeminded people. because think about it, if they were right? that would only mean one thing: i must be the dumbest most clueless person that ever breathed in this atmosphere >:] and thats proposterous! haha! ha! hahaha!!

hehehe, so to preserve my well groomed stature of a reputation? in order to keep that standing?

'i am openminded.'

and you are all wrong. she isnt a bitch! :)

nyahahaha... but then again, if we refuse to trust anyone? wed be the ones obviously at fault. everything in this life is a gamble. but we need conviction in sticking to our individually molded principles and not sway with uncertainty. we deserve to judge every once in a while.. we deserve to speak of the word NO from time to time.. from time to time, i trust this need that we too deserve to be wrong. maybe it just might be the right thing to do. maybe,

because,

really... who knows, right? \=,

wow. ki-at ki-at ki-at. redemptorist/mabolo ginabot. ska. polaroid shots. kalabasa. milk salt bath soap. sinigang. banana split. sunrise. frenchtoasts. jazz. trip hop. lo-fi's. compromise. hotchilli suka+toyo combo sauce/sabaw. jed. camping out. ukay2x. chefs/cooks. jollibee breakfast meals. movie marathons while binging on munchies. conviction. roasted marshmallows. sleep. openmindedness. cross-dressing. sweet&sour dishes. no sleep at all. environmentalists. I.D. bands. vinci. perfect twilight sky on 5:30 afternoons. sunset. black and white. feminists. watchin a movie in theaters eating tapa. seedless green grapes. bowling. disarming smiles. bed. egg sandwiches. choice. watercolor. birds flying. dinuguan sa goldilocks. unnecessary thin colored rubber wristbands. star tattoo. love. mocha javas. whipped cream dipped fresh strawberries. sea breeze. responsibility. milk dipped chocolate chip cookies. ginata-ang dishes. the color green w/ yellow/blueviolet w/ yelloworange/&pink. stargazing. tortang talong. slippers. hitchhiking. awesome awesome printed socks. sour cream piattos. blowing cool wind. ruffles chips. ponkan breed oranges. a quest on spiritual growth. prettiest maryjane shoes. subway sandwiches. travelling. ice cold alcoholic drinks. family. rollercoaster rides. self loving altruistic individuals. larang. glorious sun rays slicing through clouds. naruto/monkey d luffy anime series. penguins. black&white/flamingopink/red&blue hair color. singing screaming soothing voices. the unexpected littlest acts of initiated thougtfulness. brutal honesty. makopa. tequila. compassion. mosquitos/ants/pulgas free world. gilbeys+island mix. a paradox. conversation. lemonade. patience. gatorade frost riptide rush. pingpong. macdonald stuff toys. pen&paper. o yeah, im a mirror as well by the way.. i reflect whatever it is yer tryin to portray, so if you hate me? hehe, need i say more? \=. just fffuck oph ;)

aand lastly, i'm a hardcore anti-gum person.. <:) ------- i am Wiw. you can call me wimsay if you want.. an imitation. clone. replica. shadow. posing as if 'it' exists as the 22 years ago accepted human specie popularly recognized as winsay. right. [just assume this is the 'about Me' slot] oh yeah, before i forget, heres a note for all of ewe's:

Date:	2005-02-25 16:23
Subject:	i do not know.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	some acoustic

how do we know? how did we come to know what we know? and if we see how we base how we come to know with experience, how can we be so certain that the next time it happens, it'll turn out the same way it did before? what am i talking about?! i do not know.

ako si winsse. once upon a time, me and a very good friend named dagny found each other in a corner and conversed our hearts out about love. commitment. and miscommunications. and what we concluded we hated about how the female species are, including ourselves at that very moment we spoke, is our constant need to test the masculine gender.
we knew,
of how surprisingly gullible women are,
of how easy we are to please,
of how quick weve always been to forgiving faults,
BUT. yes there is a catch. but these acts that would assure to please us are unfortunately and frustratingly ONLY well imprinted in our secretive rotten little brains. the ones who know of it is ourselves and ourselves alone. we make rules by ourselves, we set standards when the rest of the world slumbers..
we do not tell. and we wait.

these acts are the simplest of things. you could call it superficial.. and it actually is! they are. and its probably one of the most selfish qualities a female person cannot elude, escape, run away from unless she acknowledges how real it is and decides to take heed of it.

*location: dapitan*
dagny: i know!
winsse: and we expect them to know what we want?!?!
dagny: all i wanted was for him to hold my hand that exact time i felt he should hold my hand.. but he didnt.
winsse: what fault did they commit when we keep playing mind games? is it fair? is it really the lack of effort?
dagny: no. and what is it with people who say things at the right place and the right time without us telling them to say it.. and we appreciate them better? because of timing? because circumstance was on their side? what of the ones who just didnt feel like holding my hand but instead gave me a kiss.. but i wasnt looking for a kiss, because in my head, in able for you to pass the test, you HAVE to hold my hand, NOW.
winsse: thats how i am too. and its not fair. its stupid. and its conditional. its too conditional.
dagny: oh well, women.

[reference: my unreliable memory. but the idea is there, so what the hell..]

why not say what you feel? ask if you want your hand to be held? i just feel women are too inconsiderate.. is it pride? i think so. i used to have tons of it, now i sense the enormity of its injustice and all i wanna do is help change this reality. and it is a reality.

communicate. sometimes we need to trust more to gain more.

but what do i know right?

Date:	2005-02-07 15:56
Subject:	random thoughts
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	se7en nation army by the white stripes

question:

what does beauty have that it has the right to owning everything so righteous in this world?

whatever did evil do to deserve such a bad reputation?

nothing matters. but even the littlest most insignificant things are important. how is that possible? it just is. when it just isnt. and that ladies and gentlemen, i proudly present to you,
is life.

*everybody is a reflection of who i am. who i am is how i see the world.

how gratifying is that that we have the choice to either be happy or sad? its overwhelming. Godspeed everyone!